The Classifieds
Are you looking for a hot date? Someone to do your taxes? A Baptist demon exorcism specialist? Well have I got the place for you. The members of "OBJECTIVE: Landover Baptist Shutdown," have your ticket to ride--so buckle up!

In the special "members area," you'll meet Dr. Troy Franklin, a "Baptist demon exorcism specialist" who has "battled Satan up close and personal on many occasions." His specialty? "Halloween Reclamation." I know I sure could use a man like that around the house!

If Dr. Franklin seems a bit too old for your youthful and virginal aesthetic, why there's young Kyle Goldman! Though Kyle wasn't always so fresh and so clean, he has recently "gotten himself cleaned up, has started listening to Christian rock, and is now a respectable looking young lad. His parents - being Jewish - were hesitant to accept his new found faith, but they do consider it better that Kyle is now following Jesus instead of Marilyn Manson." Besides, the Jews killed Jesus.

But perhaps you're not willing to give up that inner Jesus lovin' wild-child. No worries! Fred "Skeet" Hawkins could be the hunk of burning love you've been waitng for! Not only does Skeet front his own youth ministry rock band: Zounds!, "He was recently appointed Abstinence Czar by the Fellowship Baptist Convention" !!! OOH! Date a Czar and be the envy of all your friends!

Not to forget, OBJECTIVE: Landover Baptist Shutdown also introduces Dr. Andrew Miller, a preacher with "the uncanny ability to inspire and empower his congregation with his fiery sermon stylings and preternatural exegesics." Whew! But hold on a moment ladies and gentlemen, this catch has been caught--just to warn you, he might be more of a "challenge."

Whether you're still searching for "The One" or you're just dying to know "Diamond" Jack Holgroth's favorite passage from scripture, I'm sure you can satisfy that need at the OBJECTIVE: Landover Baptist Shutdown members' page.

And may the lord have mercy on your soul.
OBJECTIVE: Christian Ministries [via Aislinn]
- posted by liz @ 12/03/2003 10:09:00 AM