You could maybe sing this in the shower.
Margaret Cho is one witty and downright entertaining beeatch.

"Bush is "troubled" by gay marriage in San Francisco.

(sung to the tune of "Trouble" by Cat Stevens)
Trouble
Oh trouble set me free
I have seen the gays
And it's too much too much for me

Trouble
Or trouble can't you see
To be married and be gay
You're taking my laws away
And there is nothing much left of me"

Trouble [via Margaret Cho]

- posted by liz @ 2/19/2004 04:26:00 PM 0 comments

 
The Drama! The Horror!
Yikes, it's been awhile since I've updated and all that jazz, but seriously, I've been a busy girl. Take that however you want. Last nights events however, certainly require a bit of gossiping and overly excited phrasing on my part.

So, I went to the Worst. Sex. Ever. thing. And it was great. No, really really great. Absolutely hysterical stories of blondes with huge tits, inadvertent pee consumption, and coke-bottle-sodomy from the cream of New York's blogger crop (if you will). They say it might happen again sometime and if so, I'm pretty sure it'll be a required extra-curricular. Apparently lots of people were turned away at the P.S. 122 door. I got lucky (heh...sorry) and not only was able to snag a seat, but also got my greedy hands on one of the delicious cookies provided courtesy of Mr. Sicha. The poison hasn't kicked in yet, but I'm waiting...

Ok, after this thing we're pretty much starving because it's 9:30 or so and there's been no breaking for dinner, so we dash around the corner to Odessa. I needed some banana cream pie real bad... As I'm about to sit down on one side of the only available booth, my friend grabs my arm and whispers, "NO! Let me sit there!" And I'm about to argue (because I like to be on a certain side), but then I glance up and realize that he actually needs to sit there in order to provide for full-on, open mouthed oggling of his idol (don't get me started on this part) Mr. Vincent Gallo, who is sitting alone in the next booth.

"Christ this is too ridiculous," I'm thinking at this point. And it only became more ludicrous as my pal starts fidgeting and grinning like an idiot, while I'm listening in as VG talks in a much too loud voice on his cell phone. So here comes the best part. Or the second best part-- After saying something about his father, he says (no shit), "Have you ever seen Buffalo '66? Yeah? What'd you think?" Jesus christ, I almost lost my eyeballs they'd rolled so far back in my head. But whatever. What else would you expect?

The ACTUAL best part is that when he got up to leave, he was wearing a black fedora and white, sort of puffy jacket, which had on its back a picture of George W. Bush. Underneath the picture was the word "HERO."

I mean, what does one even say about that? Fucking hell.
- posted by liz @ 2/12/2004 09:12:00 AM 0 comments

 
She probably liked it.
Seriously. Like every other freaking person on the entire freaking planet who has, oh, you know, eyes, ears, isn't in a coma, I'm completely effing sick of the stupid ass Janet Jackson "scandal." And I know I said that I wasn't going to say anything else about this shit, but I'm so fucking pissed off right now. I'm really, really not one to be naive about the state of "morals" or "values" in this stupid country, run by a stupid, stupid man, but every now and then I'm just so appalled by how far we really have to go. It's like, to get anywhere near the conservative front, everyone has to behave like motherfucking conservatives. Yeah, I know, this isn't news. I am just so frustrated that I can't even formulate actual statements. OK, so what ticked me off this morning? This stupid shit. Same old story, maybe just phrased in such a way that I became more irritated than usual:

"Pop singer Justin Timberlake, Jackson's partner-in-crime at the Super Bowl, remains on the Grammys roster as a performer, while Keys and Knowles also will perform.

The breast-flashing stunt by Jackson, who is due to release her first album in three years next month, has inadvertently spurred a federal probe into television broadcasting. NBC has decided to delete a brief shot of an elderly woman's breast from Thursday's episode of medical drama "ER," while CBS and ABC will air their respective Grammy and Academy awards shows on a tape delay in the event of any naughty behavior."

Alright, so because what Janet did was so goddamn scandalous, now she has to withdraw from the Grammy Awards. Wouldn't want to taint that stellar program with her presence. Anyway. My big fucking question here, is why didn't Justin withdraw??? WHY is SHE the one being vilified??? It seems to me that she didn't rip off her own fucking shirt. It seems pretty clear that Justin knew all about what he was doing, and REACHED across her to rip it off. Now SERIOUSLY. If her "actions" can be construed as lewd or crass or, I don't know, fucking pornographic as a single breast was partially exposed (holy fucking shit), then can we not further take Justin's actions to task? WHY is his participation in this stupid, STUPID debacle being whitewashed? Why aren't we not censuring him for an act that, I think can even more legitimately be seen as an act of (consensual or not) violence against a woman?

SHE is being called tacky and a lot worse for her participation, when he's barely mentioned. Really. Re-read all of the incessant, dumb news coverage of this crap. She's the bad girl. He's the innocent bystander. GOD, then there's all of the "we can't let people see a BREAST! It's disgusting! What will the children think! What a horrible WOMAN! Doesn't she know people don't see female bodies as anything but visual remarks of promiscuous sexual innuendo!" OH, and in this particular article, the go on to make sure we know that the other "divas" (don't get me started) are being "good" and keeping their mouths shut (god forbid they earn career demerits as well). It all just makes me fucking sick. Sexism, racism, rich-conservative-white-males-rule-the-world-ism, whatever the fuck you want to call it. I don't care. It's just so fucked and it shit like this is what I hate about this country. Full of ignorant fucks.

Ok, that's enough fucking for me today. Crazy lady is done now, I promise.

R&B divas keep their distance [via MSNBC]
- posted by liz @ 2/06/2004 09:21:00 AM 0 comments

 
And now for the absolute last word on the Janet/Justin Scandal:
"Don't get me wrong. It's pathetic that people get uppity about seeing a naked breast on TV. It also is a waste of taxpayer money for the FCC to make such a big deal about protecting kids from two-second boob shots on television when most kids have seen 30-second cum shots on the Internet. "

SHOCK ME, SHOCK ME, SHOCK ME WITH THAT DEVIANT BEHAVIOR. [via The Black Table]
- posted by liz @ 2/04/2004 05:05:00 PM 0 comments

 
Finally for some useful freaking information
I'm sitting here dreaming about lunch and it's not even 11AM yet. Whatever. Everyone from my tiny office is out, save for lonely little me. So clearly, I'm going to have to order in. Though I would rather enjoy an order of white chili chicken nachos from Burritoville, I'm also feeling the need to expand my downtown-lunchtime vocabulary. I need something new. Something not to expensive, yet via a place that will happily accept my citibank debit card.

And then a miracle happens. I click on over to Gothamist and am near ecstasy upon discovering this fabulous--no, CRUCIAL! link. Thankyouthankyouthankyou. NOW my day has some semblance of meaning.

"Welcome to the MenuPages.
Over 4000 Manhattan NYC menus online
That's right... We've collected virtually every menu in Manhattan and we serve each of them to you in two convenient formats. "

Dear god, now I have some serious decisions to make...this may take awhile.

MenuPages [via Gothamist]

- posted by liz @ 2/04/2004 11:03:00 AM 0 comments

 
Something to do?
I wanna go to this. Who's with me?

Amateur Happy Hour Scrabble Club for Bad Spellers
Tuesday, February 3, 2004
7:00 PM - 10:00 PM

HiFi
169 Avenue A
New York City, New York 10009

2-fer-1 booze and bad spellers playing scrabble. [via upcoming.org via Gawker]

- posted by liz @ 2/03/2004 11:29:00 AM 0 comments

 
zuh-GAT! zuh-GAT!!
Useful to all my little pretentious ones.

Hard-to-pronounce New York names made easy [via NYM via Choire Sicha]
- posted by liz @ 2/03/2004 09:34:00 AM 0 comments

 
And just to illustrate the inherent variety in my chosen friendships:
"hi liz:

i'm running a voter registration campaign and i wondered if you'd help out by posting this link on attention deficit therapy:

Congress.org Voter Registration

it'll make you the coolest kid on the block. i know this is a lot to ask, what with your need to maintain integrity and "street" cred on your site. but i think it's really important and i don't have my own web page cause i'm not as cool as some people. -ben"

Ben is a do-gooder. Though I sometimes like to think of him as an exceptionally determined, diligent and conscientious slacker.


- posted by liz @ 2/03/2004 09:15:00 AM 0 comments

 
Today I'm just going to post whatever people send me.
This contribution was made by Jess. It's really touching. I feel all warm and fuzzy.

"So we're so used to the lovey-dovey-you're-the-greatest-I-love-you-so-much song. I'm very excited there's a new theme in town. Let me present Eamon with his title track "Fuck you (I don't Want You Back)":

'See i dont, know why, i liked you so much
I gave you all, of my trust
I told you, i loved you, now thats all down the drain
Ya put me through pain, i wanna let u know how i feel

Fuck what i said it dont mean shit now
Fuck the presents might as well throw em out
Fuck all those kisses, they didnt mean jack
Fuck you, you hoe, i dont want you back

Fuck what i said it dont mean shit now
Fuck the presents might as well throw em out
Fuck all those kisses, they didnt mean jack
Fuck you, you hoe, i dont want you back

You thought, you could
Keep this shit from me, yeah
Ya burnt bitch, i heard the story
Ya played me, ya even gave him head
Now ya askin for me back
Ya just another hag, look elsewhere
Cuz ya done with me"

Please note elegant placement of the term "hoe." Additionally, note the "e" at the end of the term "hoe."



- posted by liz @ 2/03/2004 09:10:00 AM 0 comments

 
And the Freaky Friendster of the Day Award goes to:
Alright, seriously buddy, you've got a few issues. This is the friendster message I just received (name deleted this time because well, he might hunt me down):

"From: *****
Date: January 30, 2004 1:44 PM
Subject: what up
Message: hey what's up..

just good to see another bad at spelling artist in
the city....yada, yada, yada...

hey, i guess i can plug myself...

like "my hobbies are...etc, etc, etc"

but i'm tired..."


OK. Not so horrible. Not interesting, but not horrible. It only becomes interestingly horrible upon checking said user's profile, which includes such juicy tidbits as:

"Who I Want to Meet: people who owe me money,people who will hook me up with goodies and stuff, someone who can get me a better picture of myself to post,etc... "

And the best part--In the "About Me" section, my new friend(ster) boasts:

"just broke up with a rich snot law-school bratt....so i'm pretty burned.Actually,after twenty-four years i've come to realize that i'm just a freak...a wierdo. My biggest hobby is complaining that life isn't fair. I'm also starting to realize i dislike most people just on sight alone. I sleep on the subways, just so i avoid eye contact with everybody."

Yep. Definitely a real charmer. Sweet.
- posted by liz @ 2/02/2004 02:41:00 PM 0 comments

 
Screw dogwalking, I'm doing this.
Do you think it pays? Free food, I suppose...

"If you spent Super Bowl Sunday munching on that game-day tradition of buffalo wings, chances are you didn't eat as many as Sonya Thomas did on Friday. Two days before the Super Bowl, Thomas was in Philadelphia where she competed in the annual Wing Bowl, an eating contest to see who could eat as many buffalo wings as possible in 30 minutes. Fresh off her victory in December's fruitcake eating contest (she downed 5 pounds in 10 minutes), the 99-pound Thomas polished off 167 wings, edging out her 400-pound challenger by two wings."

Yes! See, women are better at some things.

Binge. Vomit. Repeat. [via Newyorkish]
- posted by liz @ 2/02/2004 12:02:00 PM 0 comments

 
Details people!
Did anyone else find the most ridiculous aspect of the whole Janet-Justin Super Bowl Debacle to be the fact that she was wearing some sort of ridiculous leather and red lace gladiator garb while he donned khakis! Khakis and a t-shirt! Ugly ones too! Tit nothing! They had the time and effort to arrange for this stupid boob-revealing prank, but not the consideration to coordinate ensembles?? Preposterous.

Super Bowl Mystery Performer Exposed! [via Gothamist]
- posted by liz @ 2/02/2004 11:46:00 AM 0 comments

 
Ultra-depressing moment of the day
Thank you, thank you so much, for pointing this out. It SO makes me appreciate what it really means to work in the arts. I'm just SO happy to know how much higher DOGWALKING is valued over the arts, non-profits, and anything I ever hope to be involved in/employed by:

"The Most Personal of Questions: How Much Do You Make?

The Daily News decides to look at the salaries of various New Yorkers, both ordinary and unusual, to give a sense of what the people you see every day are making. The DN starts it off by trying to make you feel good, reminding everyone that Mayor Bloomberg and some others all make $1 a year, although they neglect to mention earnings from their other businesses or trust funds. The average New Yorker made $46,920 in 2002, which is higher than the country's average salary of $35,560 and means that Sammy Swale, dog walker, is above average for a New Yorker with his $50,000 for the year."

Shit. How many effing dogs does this guy walk? Is he walking these dogs like, 86 times a day? Does he ever take a minute off? Well, I suppose he's got to cash in his gigantic paycheck every once in awhile. Asshole.

The Most Personal of Questions: How Much Do You Make? [via Gothamist via TDN]
- posted by liz @ 2/02/2004 11:01:00 AM 0 comments